I honestly don’t know how this happened. I mean, logically I understand that time passes and babies grow up, but my heart is in complete denial.
Frederick is turning one on Friday—ONE!—and I’m going through old photos for his party and wondering how on earth I could watch a human grow from a tiny, helpless little (let’s face it) blob to a giant, independent person with a personality and likes and dislikes and not notice that it was happening. I promise I was watching. It just goes so fast and slow at the same time.
I distinctly remember thinking, when he was a few days old, that he wouldn’t fit in my arms right if he got any bigger. I tried to picture the long arms and legs of a one-year-old draped over me and I just couldn’t imagine it. Now every time I pick him up, it’s long one-year-old arms and legs all wrapped up in mine, and if possible, it’s even better than before.
I find myself going through pictures from before he was born and wondering where he was—oh, right. It’s weird to me that there was time before Frederick. Just like it’s weird that there was a time before Travis (wasn’t there?). But I guess that’s what happens when you give your heart away completely. Your life changes so fully that the person you were before honestly seems like a different person. A me that didn’t love Travis? Impossible. A me that wasn’t constantly needed by the little human I made? Never happened. And when we have the next one, I’ll wonder if it was ever really just the three of us.
I guess the thing to learn is not to look too far behind or ahead. Right now all that matters is the giant little one-year-old who keeps interrupting my blog post for cuddles and inner elbow kisses because only too soon I’ll be wondering what happened to him.